Published February 28, 2006
I thought I ought to post something in the literary forums. I'm rather content with this. But any thoughts or comments are welcome. Any one have a guess why, at the end, Abby is...? (It ought to fit here (section)...just a little subtle on the fantastic...)
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Abby was afraid of the dark. Sometimes she couldn’t recall why, sometimes she thought she wasn’t.
But then she woke, and the sky was dead pierced by stars and shadows crawled the streets.
“All right, kid?” asked the man on the corner.
“Oh yes,” Abby shook her head. “I don’t like the dark.”
He laughed affably, patted her head and went on. The street lamps cast nets of thin light over his dark head; but darkness clung to his heels, and his shadow blacked the concrete like tar.
Abby scuffed miserably out towards the boulevard, rubbing her pale hands to rid them of smudges. But she couldn’t rub the dark off.
Sometimes she thought, maybe the dark had hurt her. She couldn’t recall. But people didn’t hate things for no reason. Sometimes she dreamed the sun was burning holes in her shadow; sometimes she dreamed the day came and she woke to see it. But it didn’t, of course, because when she woke it was dark again, and the moon only made shadows deeper.
“Hey - watch it!”
Abby jumped, flinching. Bicycle tires blurred past, spokes whirred - their faint shadow flickered spider webs lines over the street.
“C’mon - whaddya doing out this late?”
Abby shook her head.
The boy rolled his eyes, but concern hovered in his pointed face.
“Just watch it, OK?”
“Yes,” said Abby.
With a last disturbed glance, the bike-boy took off down the thoroughfare, weaving in and out of the cars’ tangled headlights.
Abby sat on the curb and pulled her knees up to her chin. Her thin fingers felt cold against her shins, her breath colder in her throat. She closed her eyes.
Perhaps something lived in the dark, something awful. Maybe she’d only decided to forget because it was more frightening than not knowing. With her eyes closed, she pretended the sun was rising over the hill, and the cars were gleaming like gold.
It wasn’t.
Dejected, Abby crawled to her feet. The cars had stopped. The wide street was dead, fogged by fading lamps. Above the moon had fallen at last, and the sky was black.
Shadow followed her back up the sidewalk.
Sometimes she wondered if she hadn’t forgotten anything at all. Maybe the day was a dream. Because she never saw a sun; she never saw light bright enough to burn shadows, or sky brighter than bloodied violet.
But she couldn’t remember. She was scared of the dark…
“I’m frightened,” she told the shadows, “I’m afraid.” Her voice sounded too faint, too weak.
She was afraid of the dark. Sometimes she dreamed that night went on for years; sometimes she thought the dreams weren’t dreams at all. But she was always the same little girl. Her hands always looked thin and pale in the darkness.
Abby hopped and crawled back through the window. Light was itching the nape of her neck.
“Morning,” she said happily.
But she was tired, too tired…she slept.
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"“Oh yes,” Abby shook her head."
I love the story, by the way. Anyway, bye now.
Don't you mean "Oh no," here?
"But then she woke, and the sky was dead pierced by stars and shadows crawled the streets."
Something of a run-in sentence here, and even though I know you and I have different opinions on comma usage I think it's pretty clear that there should be a comma between dead and pierced.
"With a last disturbed glance, the bike-boy took off down the thoroughfare, weaving in and out of the cars’ tangled headlights."
Bike-boy? Maybe it's a British thing, but I've certainly not heard of that word. Replace with "boy on the bike" or something, maybe? If I'm just being a block-headed American, keep it in.
"Abby jumped, flinching. Bicycle tires blurred past, spokes whirred - their faint shadow flickered spider webs lines over the street."
Oh, I simply love that description. Yay Imp.
Well, that's a few mistakes I found. I'm horrible at description and plot critiquing and I'm working on that, but I'm afraid I suck at it so badly so far I'd just worsen it.
You know, I've always been meaning to read your stuff. Of course I'd choose to do so when my time is limited...
Anyway, I like to write little "intros" for my characters too, although I never really intend to put them in the story, merely to shape them for myself. I thought this was extremely interesting! I disagree with it being too hollow or vague - that's what shapes the piece. I'm DYING to read more! I didn't know if the world itself had never seen daylight or if she had never seen it in her own little "world." I thought it was interesting how she hungered so much for the light and yet couldn't stay awake enough to enjoy it. This reminded me of an R. L. Stine book... oh, I can't remember the name now... Drats. Anyway, it was about werecats and the like. So perhaps she's a werecreature, and you haven't mentioned her transformation yet, or perhaps she has an occupation and only works the night hours... I don't know, and I'm sure I'll hypothesize about it until I read more! Very interesting. Good job on keeping the point just out of reach.
I love this piece. It is vague, but in a good way--a way that keeps the reader involved, and that is important. My theory is simple: She is afraid of the dark, so, things you are afraid of tend to keep you awake. Thus, she stays awake all night, hoping to escape the dark, but when morning finally comes, she is so tired, she falls asleep.
I think your last theorie is correct Kiashana. That's what I was thinking too.
I really liked that. The wording is very spare and simple, but it works very well with what you've said you were going for. I'm not quite sure why Abby's always out at night. I keep think that she's either not entirely human, or perhaps some sort of curse... Or perhaps this is a world where it never is really day time. Either way, it intrigues me.
Well on first thought Abby is... vampiric, but then I thought about what you said in your disclaimer, and that spawned some interesting thoughts.
or she has some real Freudian issues... displacement or repression, perhaps...
Then looking deeper at your words at thought 'hmmm, maybe the darkness is a reflection/allusion to the darkness within'
and at the mention of 'the moon makes the shadows deeper' that took me back to the whole vampire/were thread in my head.
so really I haven't a clue, but I like it.
(thank you for reading Faeid, I uber excited that you like it. Right now I am finishing up part four. So i'll be posting more soon.)
CL
Hey, thanks Blob.
Now you've got to post something so I can return the favor.
You've made me curious!) I just read your Faeid, and I've got to post comments; I really enjoyed it.
And CL - thanks so much. (...and your theories are?...
this was great! really made my day. your discriptions acctually made this picture in my mind of a lonly girl wandering the pavements with nothing other than street lamps for comfort. please continue this
Lovely little piece here, I love the parrellel between your words and the Abby's fear. As for the 'always dark, never dawn' question, I have a few theories brewing in my theory mill, and they all revolve around why you put this in fantasy...
Although this is a fragment, you put a lot of effort into that, I can see that in there is not one word that seems superfluous or out of place; helping to add to the abjectivity (if that's even a word) of the piece.
CL
Hmm.... Maybe it's always dark there.....I don't know.
I will agree with you...to the point of it certainly being a fragment;
not a complete story by any stretch - if a complete snapshot.
But hollow is really what I intended it to be. It's written very spare, and meant to feel hollow. Now, depending on whether it feels hollow, or is actually wholly lacking in any content - that's the question.
Thank you both for considering it with me.
Do either of you have any thoughts as to why she would be out in the dark, never at dawn? (I rather thought someone would ask...)
I agree, I stil found it a little hollow
Yeah I guess if you put it that way........
Definitely a snapshot. So, in that sense, it's more an introduction... But it's obscure, it's not flat plotless - simply plotted. The entire point is that you don't know why she's out in the dark...but it hints, and leaves it vague, purposefully.
But honestly, perhaps the idea is that one wonders what in the world she's doing...
Perhaps it's a riddle. Don't people always come back for riddles? Pardon my joking.
Anyhow, thanks for the thoughts, Twilight.
The dsecription was good but what was the purpose of this piece? Was it to introduce your character? Because I could not see one little hint of what the plot was. I like your writing style it is great but the story seemed hollow because it lacks information on why your character is outside in the dark and we don't even know what is supposed to happen. So, if you want readers to come back for the next piece then you need to give us an idea of what is going on other than her being outside in the dark.
No, it was very intentional. Thanks for the reply though.
Interesting thought track.
WHy would she say she was alright then shake her head and complain? I think this bit needs rewording.
I like the repetition of "shae was afraid of the dark" for effect. These sort of pieces arn't usually my favourite but yours was good, I feel that this should have been first person to make it more personal, from Abbeys perspective. But overal good job.